Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Ahhh, Shit!

"Oops," he said. And it was the last thing he said, although it was not the last thing that ran through his mind - that was "Fuck, this hurts.", as the blue bus slammed into him. His body burst like a blood balloon, a bloodblot on the windshield. His face scraped along the pavement, his left eye popped out of his skull and the last thing that eye saw was the face of a young child by the side of the road. She was holding an ice cream cone and had a cream mustache that had dripped into a white Fu Manchu. He assumed it was vanilla, but it could have been rocky road.

3 comments:

  1. Anonymous2/02/2011

    Nice! Really satisfying finish. I like this so much, I felt the need to comment from my iPhone. More thorough comment to come.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'm so glad you put the child in there. That change of frame is nice. Seeing that child is unexpected--as is the guy's last words being "oops"--and real.
    Saying "his body burst like a blood balloon" kind of makes any further visual moot for me, though--it's such complete destruction, I can't imagine anything else happening to him. I kind of dismiss the presence of his body after that.
    And as I said before, awesome finish. If "oops" could be your last word, then your last thought could certainly be "rocky road or vanilla?" Real and funny.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Excellent comment. So something like this.

    "Oops," he said. And it was the last thing he said, although it was not the last thing that ran through his mind - that was "Fuck, this hurts.", as the blue bus slammed into him. His body burst like a blood balloon, a bloodblot on the windshield. The last thing that he saw was the face of a young child by the side of the road. She was holding an ice cream cone and had a cream mustache that had dripped into a white Fu Manchu. He assumed it was vanilla, but it could have been rocky road.

    ReplyDelete