Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Ahhh, Shit!

"Oops," he said. And it was the last thing he said, although it was not the last thing that ran through his mind - that was "Fuck, this hurts.", as the blue bus slammed into him. His body burst like a blood balloon, a bloodblot on the windshield. His face scraped along the pavement, his left eye popped out of his skull and the last thing that eye saw was the face of a young child by the side of the road. She was holding an ice cream cone and had a cream mustache that had dripped into a white Fu Manchu. He assumed it was vanilla, but it could have been rocky road.

4 comments:

  1. Anonymous2/02/2011

    Nice! Really satisfying finish. I like this so much, I felt the need to comment from my iPhone. More thorough comment to come.

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  2. I'm so glad you put the child in there. That change of frame is nice. Seeing that child is unexpected--as is the guy's last words being "oops"--and real.
    Saying "his body burst like a blood balloon" kind of makes any further visual moot for me, though--it's such complete destruction, I can't imagine anything else happening to him. I kind of dismiss the presence of his body after that.
    And as I said before, awesome finish. If "oops" could be your last word, then your last thought could certainly be "rocky road or vanilla?" Real and funny.

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  3. Excellent comment. So something like this.

    "Oops," he said. And it was the last thing he said, although it was not the last thing that ran through his mind - that was "Fuck, this hurts.", as the blue bus slammed into him. His body burst like a blood balloon, a bloodblot on the windshield. The last thing that he saw was the face of a young child by the side of the road. She was holding an ice cream cone and had a cream mustache that had dripped into a white Fu Manchu. He assumed it was vanilla, but it could have been rocky road.

    ReplyDelete